This blog is a place where I document my feelings and some important life events which I wish to remember. I'm not good at expressing myself in many points but words, so I created this blog for myself. I think it's important for me to document my current thought and feeling of myself, where I don't feel right and perhaps in the future I can look back at this and see how well I become.
I'm an introvert as I had mentioned million of times in this blog, and I'm boring af, I read, I write, and I spend most of my time at home browsing through internet, I really enjoyed them but recently I discover myself to be hiding behind all these things that I love doing. I become EXTREMELY introvert at some point, I don't know when it started, but I really do changed mentally from who I was in secondary school, which is what I'm not happy about. ): I was a pretty outgoing person in secondary school, I start conversation with people, I hang out with people from my club, I'm not afraid to show who I am but now I'm no longer hanging out with people, not even my roommates or college friends, I only feel comfortable when I'm alone in my rented apartment, when I come home for semester break I only stay at home and hang out with my family, they are the only group of people who I feel comfortable with because they are the only people that can truly understand me, especially my siblings.
I found myself afraid to communicate with people. I'm fine talking to strangers or workers in shop, but I can no longer communicate with people I know. I'm scared to go to gathering, because I was a conversation starter when I was in secondary school, but I can no longer do this anymore, so before any gathering I'm truly panic, because I want to show people the 'same' happy me, and not a quiet me, because I don't want people to make any judgement of me like I change because I met new people in college, I truly appreciate all my secondary school friends and I don't want to lose them so I tried my best to be as talkative as I can in front of my old friends and this is very exhausting. My anxiety of communicating comes to the state where I don't dare to call my old friends out for tea or what, that is one friend who I truly felt sorry about, because we spent almost all of our tuition time together in secondary school, and I was her happy pill, we have a lot of fun time together and I always ask her out because she is not good at inviting, she's shy and quiet while I'm the naughty and noisy one, but now I never called or texted her for like a year, because I know she wouldn't want to see me like this and I don't want to pretend in front of her. I'm such a shitty friend. )':
For new friends, I don't have to pretend as an outgoing person because they did not know me at all, but people don't seems to understand me at many points. Okay, no one understands me except for my family, I'm a pretty weird person, I'm an Aquarius which people said is the weirdest zodiac sign, and it becomes more critical when I am an introverted Aquarius. I'm not good at expressing myself, as I said, so at many points people think that I don't like them, especially girls, that isn't what it is. I was in a society last year in my college, but I found myself having hard time communicating with people in there and people having hard time knowing to give me my space and people are trying so hard to push me to become an extrovert which I can't, and my mind keeps receiving message like I'm not a part of them because I wasn't open up myself to them, so I quit that society and I never reply to all the messages in the group chats I'm in. I also find myself having hard time approaching people, which is what I'm not afraid in secondary school. I was a president of my club, I used to approach to strangers or new comers of our club, but now I can't, I can't even take a promoter job, I'm so scared about having to approach to people and promote my items. I started to be afraid of having my civic subject where we need to do like a flea market in campus, this makes me feels extremely shitty when I am a masscom broadcaster. ):
Everyone is having new friends and new life in college which I think I have too before I come to this realisation, everyone is trying new things and having new experiences, I wish I can too, I always tell myself to go out of my comfort zone but nothing really changing better, everything is going worse and worse. I go from hanging out with people lesser to not stepping out of my house anymore, and people started not wanting me to be in a part of their schedule because I'm boring, I'm weird. I see my peers going further and further while I'm just hiding from every human being. I'm so sad about how I became, I feel shitty about everything except for my academic because I spend all my time on it, I have nothing else to spend my time on, and I have no others except for my laptop and my family. I don't know how to feel better outside, and no one has the time to sit down and listen to a pathetic girl except for my blog.
I wish the time when I come back to this post I'll be feeling much better than now, I don't like to spread negativity on my little land but I hope this blog post can somehow become a reminder or motivation of mine in the future, that's it for my current feeling. Bye. 🌻