Something changed in me...

This blog is a place where I document my feelings and some important life events which I wish to remember. I'm not good at expressing myself in many points but words, so I created this blog for myself. I think it's important for me to document my current thought and feeling of myself, where I don't feel right and perhaps in the future I can look back at this and see how well I become.

  I'm an introvert as I had mentioned million of times in this blog, and I'm boring af, I read, I write, and I spend most of my time at home browsing through internet, I really enjoyed them but recently I discover myself to be hiding behind all these things that I love doing. I become EXTREMELY introvert at some point, I don't know when it started, but I really do changed mentally from who I was in secondary school, which is what I'm not happy about. ): I was a pretty outgoing person in secondary school, I start conversation with people, I hang out with people from my club, I'm not afraid to show who I am but now I'm no longer hanging out with people, not even my roommates or college friends, I only feel comfortable when I'm alone in my rented apartment, when I come home for semester break I only stay at home and hang out with my family, they are the only group of people who I feel comfortable with because they are the only people that can truly understand me, especially my siblings.

  I found myself afraid to communicate with people. I'm fine talking to strangers or workers in shop, but I can no longer communicate with people I know. I'm scared to go to gathering, because I was a conversation starter when I was in secondary school, but I can no longer do this anymore, so before any gathering I'm truly panic, because I want to show people the 'same' happy me, and not a quiet me, because I don't want people to make any judgement of me like I change because I met new people in college, I truly appreciate all my secondary school friends and I don't want to lose them so I tried my best to be as talkative as I can in front of my old friends and this is very exhausting. My anxiety of communicating comes to the state where I don't dare to call my old friends out for tea or what, that is one friend who I truly felt sorry about, because we spent almost all of our tuition time together in secondary school, and I was her happy pill, we have a lot of fun time together and I always ask her out because she is not good at inviting, she's shy and quiet while I'm the naughty and noisy one, but now I never called or texted her for like a year, because I know she wouldn't want to see me like this and I don't want to pretend in front of her. I'm such a shitty friend. )': 

  For new friends, I don't have to pretend as an outgoing person because they did not know me at all, but people don't seems to understand me at many points. Okay, no one understands me except for my family, I'm a pretty weird person, I'm an Aquarius which people said is the weirdest zodiac sign, and it becomes more critical when I am an introverted Aquarius. I'm not good at expressing myself, as I said, so at many points people think that I don't like them, especially girls, that isn't what it is. I was in a society last year in my college, but I found myself having hard time communicating with people in there and people having hard time knowing to give me my space and people are trying so hard to push me to become an extrovert which I can't, and my mind keeps receiving message like I'm not a part of them because I wasn't open up myself to them, so I quit that society and I never reply to all the messages in the group chats I'm in. I also find myself having hard time approaching people, which is what I'm not afraid in secondary school. I was a president of my club, I used to approach to strangers or new comers of our club, but now I can't, I can't even take a promoter job, I'm so scared about having to approach to people and promote my items. I started to be afraid of having my civic subject where we need to do like a flea market in campus, this makes me feels extremely shitty when I am a masscom broadcaster. ):

  Everyone is having new friends and new life in college which I think I have too before I come to this realisation, everyone is trying new things and having new experiences, I wish I can too, I always tell myself to go out of my comfort zone but nothing really changing better, everything is going worse and worse. I go from hanging out with people lesser to not stepping out of my house anymore, and people started not wanting me to be in a part of their schedule because I'm boring, I'm weird. I see my peers going further and further while I'm just hiding from every human being. I'm so sad about how I became, I feel shitty about everything except for my academic because I spend all my time on it, I have nothing else to spend my time on, and I have no others except for my laptop and my family. I don't know how to feel better outside, and no one has the time to sit down and listen to a pathetic girl except for my blog.

  I wish the time when I come back to this post I'll be feeling much better than now, I don't like to spread negativity on my little land but I hope this blog post can somehow become a reminder or motivation of mine in the future, that's it for my current feeling. Bye. 🌻

Moving Tips | Dorm or small room

Hello, it's May! That means most of the May intake college freshmen are going to college, and some of them might be moving out from their home to a new place. So, I'm here to share my moving tips where I concluded from my experience last year. I'm going to give tips for college students who move to dorm or small rooms so these are just simple moving tips which are not suitable for people who wants to move into a unit or an apartment. Let's get started, shall we?

First, do a checklist of what you will be needed in your new place. Writing the items down in your planner or notebook, and separate them into two sections, "already have" and "items that need to buy" so that you will not forget to buy things that you need. Tick on the item you've packed or purchased with a pen of a colour, and when you do double check, tick with another colour of pen, this helps you from missing out any items.

Next, move in your stuffs at least three days before college starts. When you started putting things into your new place, you can see what you missed out or what you need but you never thought of, like extension wires or storage stuffs.  Some items that are on sharing basis (if you have roommates) like dust bin, standing fan, buckets or cleaning utensils, you can discuss with your roommate and see who have old ones and willing to share so that you guys can save the money from buying a new one, also if you buy a new one when you guys are moving out, it's hard to tell who the items belong to hahaha. 

Heavy furnitures, if your dorm room provide desk and wardrobe then great, but if you're renting a room usually they don't provide furniture for rooms. You can buy second hand furniture from seniors who lived in your room before or seniors that live nearby so that you don't have to move your heavy furniture all the way from you home, and second hand item is much cheaper. If you can't find second hand furniture you can buy those foldable desk from Tesco, or simple desk from Ikea for RM99 if you want your furniture to look good together. (like me :P) For wardrobe, you only need simple wardrobe which can be separate apart, so that you can set it up after you move to your place. For bed, if your dorm room already provide bed and mattress I advice you to bring your own mattress for hygiene reason.

Ikea bag is a very helpful item for moving. Moving into small room is much easier as you might have lesser fragile item, so you can stuff your items into ikea bag. Bags are much flexible than boxes when you arrange them into car. Last but not least, decorating your room into what you like is very important because everyone loves going back to a comfy and cosy room after an exhausting day. If you have extra money where you earn from your holiday job, you can buy better furniture from Ikea, ikea has a lot of nice and cheap furniture and you can buy same colour of furniture, so that they look like they're a set. If you have roommates you might not have chance to plan how you want your furniture to place, and you will have lesser decorating chance, but you can decorate your desk! Your desk is your very own place and corner so you are free to decorate it!

That's it for my tips, hope you find this post helpful. See you next time, byeee. xx.  🌻

Get To Know Introverts

Hello internet, today we're going to talk about introvert. As I'm growing up, I started to know myself more and I figured out that I am actually an introvert. I think knowing yourself is a really important thing because growing up you might find you losing yourself. So, what is an introvert? People are mentally separated into few groups, which are introverts (a kind of person who is less outgoing), extroverts (a kind of person who is extremely outgoing) and ambiverts (a mixture of extroverts and introverts). Let an introvert tells you what is an introvert.

The society have a certain stereotype or misunderstanding towards introverts. Many people thought introvert is a kind of mental illness which hate people and socializing. NO, we introverts don't hate people nor socializing. We can be sociable, but too much socializing will drain our energy, we find socializing really tiring. I do find socializing exhausting too, when I come back from classes or anywhere, I will be really tired and really appreciate to have an alone time to recharge. It will be okay to have people around when I'm recharging but just don't talk to me. You wouldn't find me in crowded and noisy places like concert or party, because I really cannot stand crowd, and when there is crowd there must be conversation, or small talk, and this is where our energy started to drain, sometimes you just can't avoid talking to people, and I hate small talk, small talk is the most awkward thing ever. (So that's why I avoid saying hi to not-so-close-friends when I saw them) That is also why I don't go to famous or internet hyped restaurants which need to queue in a long queue and eat in an environment full of people chit-chatting, luckily I don't have too much claims toward food.

Next, introvert is a deep thinker. We think a lot about one thing, we think before speak, doing certain action and making certain decision so we are good at planning. And this makes us hate sudden plan hahaha. I hate sudden plan, invitation that comes one day before the actual event I usually reject it. Any sudden plan that will mess up my plan is not welcomed in my schedule. I need time to prepare myself before going to somewhere, not only about preparing my outfit also prepare myself mentally, so the best time range to invite an introvert is one week before the actual day. :D And sometime when I have accepted the invitation but when the actual day comes, I regret. ._. Video call is also a thing that need to be planned or alert earlier, if you video call me in sudden, I'll usually hang up. :D Because video call is as awkward as small talk, I have to plan what to talk to you because looking at each other face to face with no conversation is awkward af. And to send invitation to an introvert, it's best to text instead of calling, because you might never reach them by calling them, because they will hang up your call as they don't like phone calling, :D

If you're an introvert don't be insecure or hide yourself, just tell your friends or people around you about what you are comfortable with and what you're not. When you need alone time just turn off your notifications, grab a tea, your cosy blanket, grab your favourite book or turn on your favourite movie and enjoy your recharging time! When you don't feel like hanging out, just tell your friends, there is no need to force yourself to be sociable. We're not incomplete. we're just having a different way of dealing things compare to extroverts. For people who have introvert friends, care about them but please leave them alone sometimes when they need it, too much staying together time will stress  them out. Please leave them to make their choices, when they say no, then just leave them be, forcing them to be an extrovert will never be a good thing. You have to understand that when they don't join your friends doesn't mean that they hate your friends, it's just that they don't enjoy socializing with a huge group of people, they do enjoy talking to you, and introverts love deep conversation.

This post might not be really specific because I'm not a professional psychologist, the things that I stated are only my personal experiences, that might helps you to know how an introverts deal with things and how we think. If you don't know which category you're in, you can search up on YouTube, there are many videos that state a lot of professional facts about introverts, extroverts and ambiverts or you can do test online to know which one you are. And I'll see you in another time, bye. xx. :P 🌻

Hello 2018

Hello peeps, I'm back! It's 2018 yayyyyy! Happy new year to anyone who is reading this, I wish you can laugh as hard as you can everyday in 2018. 

This is a post to sum up my thoughts within 2017. 2017 has been quite a crazy year for me. I've done a lot of new things in 2017, it is also a year which I grow up the most, I mean mentally, not physically lol, I have nothing physically to grow as a 19 yo girl. (My boobs ain't growing since 13yo. HAHAHA.) In 2017, I've reach my age where I can do pretty much everything by myself, and making decision for my own sake. I drive, I live away from my home, I plan my own pocket money, I buy myself things, I plan my life and schedule everyday by myself. 

I have changed in 2017. I was a person who is very shy and awkward towards strangers, I never dare to ask things from a shop worker, but now I'm easy towards these things. I never dare to go to a new place, meet new people and try new things. I'm still a little bit like that now, but I think this dilemma had become lesser. I still need quite a lot of time to adjust myself into a new environment, but as long as I have the courage to do so, I think I have improved, I was once very afraid of going to a restaurant that I had never went to. 

I know myself more than I ever did. I learn that I'm quite a confident person, when it comes to my strength parts and I'm not afraid of public speakings. I'm also quite confident when it comes to my outfit lol, I don't care what people think about me even though I dressed like a Christmas tree. I'm just that kind of person that is like "I don't care, this is my life." lol. 

I also find myself a person that become very crazy and silly with people that I'm comfortable with, but with new people or people that I'm not close with, I'm an introvert. I'm really an introvert, I can't stand crowd, social activities, I get super tired in the middle of a social activities, social activities drain my energy A LOT. That's why I don't like attending gathering and parties, except for those warm and cozy party, I cannot go to party with loud music and crowd, I'll die in the middle of the dance floor... I also fail small talk, I can't small talk with people.

That's it, that is what I think about myself in 2017. How about you? Do you see yourself changing in 2017? Anyway, lemme make wish here, I wish I could update more about movies and books on this blog HAHAHAHA. See you soon. xx. 🌻

New chapter | College life & moving out

Hello peeps, see who's back? So, I just finish my finals *fireworks* and I'm having my semester break now and that's why I can start writing blog again hahah. Well, basically, I'm a college student now, yay (?) If you had read my blog before (if you have not I'm gonna tell you anyway), I've graduated my secondary school last year and I started my college academy on May, this year.

I'm currently studying broadcast communication in TARUC, if you're wondering. So school started very fine, and everything happened as what I expected. College was not scary at all, like new environment, new people, but they did not really make me anxious, maybe it's because I've been thinking and imagining college life much worse in my brain for a really long time, so when it really comes, I feel numb about it hahaha. Okay, let's talk about school. My classmates are very cool, outgoing and friendly, you know, broadcaster, so we get along quite well, I guess? And soon after, small groups/ gangs formed in our class but everyone are still really nice to each other, which was great. Also, the college that I'm studying is really active in clubs, activities and there are always events hold in any corner of the campus, and I joined a club, guess what? A drama club (as in secondary school lol). So I did make some friends there but not many because the club is just too huge to know everyone. 

When you talk about college you think about assignments. Yes, there are a lot of ASSIGNMENTS! I take 5 subjects this semester and I have six assignments, seriously, and six presentations, crazy. (but I survived.) Actually the number of assignments and presentations depend on what program and subjects you take, and I take Chinese this semester and most of the assignments and presentations come from my Chinese subjects (yes, subjectS, there are two type of Chinese writing so they are two subjects.)... well done. The first thing I learned from college is: TIME MANAGEMENT IS REALLY IMPORTANT, because all the assignments due dates and mid-term tests all that are just so pack arranged so planning and managing your time is so important, if not you'll end up stressing up and mess up all your works. Actually, all these due dates and test dates are informed in the first few weeks of your semester so you will have enough time to plan out your schedules. 

There are also two things you have to get used to in college: 1. Take care of your business because no one will remind you of your stuffs. College is unlike secondary school, everything is announced online, everything is computerized. Your lecturers and tutors only teach what they have to teach in class, and they will make sure to teach things that you have to do in your assignments, but they will never remind you of the due dates and assignment layout all that, because they're all given to you in softcopy or hardcopy at the beginning of your semester and you're an adult so you have to be responsible of your own stuffs. 2. Everything is so computerized. Handing in your assignments, register for co-cu, paying fees, timetable distribution, or any distributions go online, because a campus is so huge with many different programs of students so notifying students through online is the best way to reach out to everyone. Actually personally I think it's very convenient and clear when thing goes directly to your student website and not hearing rumours from people but it is weird at the beginning because you'll be like "why no one tells?" well, it's told online, so there's a thing that we have to get used to.

Another new event happened in my life, which is I moved out. Yes, I had moved out from my home, because my home is just too far from where I study so I decided to move out but I still go back to my home when I'm free on weekends. I genuinely think living alone from your family is a really great experience, well I'm not a really home sick kind of person so moving out is not a big deal to me and I think living and planning your day by yourself is just very free, like you can be productive some days and lazy some days, it's all depends on how you feel. Also, I learned a lot from moving out, for example, paying electric bills lol, and cooking. As you know I'm a homebody, I don't like going out so I cooked my own meals most of the time, and it really helps reducing my monthly expenses. (Oh ya, I also learned to manage my money.) I'm not gonna write much about moving out because I was planning to write another post just talking about my moving out experiences and tips after this so if you're interested of what moving out feels like, stay tuned for that post. 

Well, this post is long enough, I have to stop lol. I'm actually trying to control myself from writing too much because who likes long essays? No, no one, I don't like it either. If you're going to college next year or sooner I hope you get some ideas of how it's like from this post. So ya, thanks for reading, and see you soon. xx.